What a difference a year makes - Lauri who blogged before me wrote this blog last February:

http://kazakhstan.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/what-a-difference-a-year-makes

Yesterday, as I sat in church looking at my son, I felt a pang of sadness. For whatever reason, I thought back to the days before we knew our son, and thought about what that must have been like for him. Just a little background: our son spent the first ten months of his life in an orphanage. We met our son at eight months, but could not take custody of him until he was nearly ten months old. At least the eighth and ninth months of his life were filled with daily doses of love via our visits to the orphanage. But lately I have been thinking a lot about what he must have endured before finding his family.

This blog is something that I think every adoptive parents thinks about from time to time - it may not consume us daily - but it definitely surfaces every once in awhile. I think as parents (whether first parents, bio parents or adoptive parents) our main concern is to shelter our children from unnecessary pain or sorrow in their lives. And sometimes with adoption - members or the triad feel sorrow and we need to find a way to process it and learn and grow from it.

1991 was the first time I stepped away from an orphanage - when it was no longer a "news" story - it was now part of my life - part of a deep woven pattern in my life "quilt". I remember the GREAT joy at finally becoming a mom - but also the ache of those children who reached out to me yelling "ma-ma" as they hoped I would be able to adopt them too. We actually had a plea from the children's home director and doctor to adopt a little boy. It was heart wrenching to say the least. Years later through the internet - I was able to receive a video of the children's home - we had only been allowed to go inside the director's office. I remember hearing Becca's screams as they showered her prior to bringing her to us. I sit here and type with tears in my eyes just thinking about the deplorable conditions she spent the first 3 and a 1/2 years of her life in. My heart aches that I wasn't there sooner - that I haven't done more since I left.

The conditions of the baby houses and children's home in Kazakhstan are not nearly as in poor condition as they were in Albania. But we still heard children who cried for hours (we were accidentally left at the baby house one day and sat in the hallway) - again my heart ached for the children whose unconsolable cries went unanswered. Although I know the caretakers do the best they can with what they have (man power and resources) - it will never amount to the one on one attention a child would receive from a loving parent.

So yes - although many, many hours are filled with hugs, kisses, life lessons - a part of our heart and soul will forever be changed by international adoption. And I believe others may "feel" it to an extent - it is those of us who lived it who "carry" it with us.